Ode to my Father

My father died just this Oct. 3. I was not informed by any of my half siblings, it was my orgmate Maureen who informed me about it. That was the day that I was afraid to come. Before, I said to myself that when my father dies I wouldn’t cry. I would admit that I didn;t have a good relationship with my father. My close friends know my situation. I was never close to him; we seldom talk and see each other. When I learned that he already passed away, my whole body froze, my hands were shaking and I was in total shock. I didn’t realize that it would happen this early because I felt that he was still ok. It was the week before he died when we last talked on the phone. The last meeting we had was when we ate lunch at a restaurant and he even told me that he would still be there when I get married and have children. Actually, it was my goal that he would see me graduate college. He was already old, 77 years old.

At that time, I was having my final exams already and mind you, I have an exam the next day. It was hard to study and focus on my lessons. I cried and stared at the wall. I called my friend, Det, who knew my situation. I cried to her. She promised to call that night but she never did.

Together with the pains I have due to the break-up I had with Det just weeks before this happened, now this… I feel i can’t stand enough pain in my heart. I was having a dilemma on how I will be able to go to his wake. I waited for more than 3 days for my half brother to inform me about it but I heard nothing from him. And so, while my mom and I were saving some courage, we’ve decided to go to my father’s wake. in order for them ( the others) not to be scandaled we decided to go there at 2 am. I texted my half brother, asking permission if i could pay my last respects to my father. He never replied but I know he was already fixing the situation.

I was shaking and hesitant to go inside. I just couldn;t believe that I will be seeing him inside a casket, not on his wheelchair. He looked sad, I felt that he has lots of burden inside him. I looked around, there were lots of flowers from respected people. Nobody was around, it was just my mom and I and my half brother. I looked at the pictures posted on the wall while my mom was talking to my half brother. It was their family, their “happy memories”. Nothing “teleseryic” happened. Our meeting was simple, no fuzz about it. The next day will be the cremation. My mom and I decided that we should go.

During the mass, I was able to watch a video presentation they ( the others) prepared as a tribute to my father. I cried and cried because it was just that day that I was able to know my father. I didn’t know him very well. I felt jealous at that time because as a daughter of my father, i was not able to participate in the preparations. That was the time I felt I was so alone, neglected and thrown away. I was at the back so that no one from my dad’s family can see me.

It’s hard to become an illegitimate child. As much as you want to do something, you can’t because you have to think about the immediate family. My heart was breaking and they wouldn’t care. I just looked from a distance. My father’s driver told me that my father was looking for me before he died. I wondered if they would’ve just let me be there with him, he might have been happier. they were selfish and jealous because my father loved me. They never gave me the chance to be with him during his last days. I am angry at them. I was really hurt and alone.

TANING by Imago

sa’n mapupulot ang pag asa

may katuwiran ba ang sana

ngiti ko ang iyong galak

langit ko ang iyong kandungan

Refrain:

permiso sa isang araw namakasama ka

abiso ng pusong bulagna humahanga

Chorus:

tama bang aminin na nating may taning itong pag ibig natin

dakila man wlang kasaysayang kakapit sa bulag na pag ibig

san hihingi ng patawad

kung walang dahilan

tangis ko ang yong luha

nais ko ang iyong kalayaan

These are some of my st. scho friends. Margo, Rhona and me ( sa dulo). I can’t find the picture of the whole barkada eh.. we’re actually 17. hehe. This was during the baptism of our friend’s baby Caleb. The first baby in the barkada, the first one to get married and of course our first inaanak… Nowie’s baby is such an angel, he doesn’t cry even though different people carry him.. =)
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favorite songs for the moment

favorite songs:

1) “Taning” by Imago.

Tama bang aminin na nating may taning ang pag-ibig natin?

2) “Vindicated” by Dashboard Confessional.

I am vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong.

I know I’m right I swear I’m right. I swear I knew it all along.

And I am flawed,but I am cleaning up so well.

You are seeing in me now you swore you saw myself.

3) “Masaya” by Bamboo.

Ang pag-ibig, ganyan talaga. Ako’y nilamon ng pag-ibig.

4) “Love Song” by 311.

However faraway, I will always love you

However long I stay, I will always love you

Whatever words I say, I will always love you

I will always love you


bakasyon na!

October 16, the official start of my sembreak. hayy, another semester has passed. Time flies so fast. Next year, i’ll be graduating already. To my batchmates in High school, you may be wondering why next year pa ako gagraduate. I transferred to UP kc eh from St. scho so I was delayed for a year. Bale, Im in my third year now. Struggling to finish na my college degree so that i could get a job! Pero i’m still planning to take my Master’s degree. Ewan k lang, pag sinipag ako. But definitely, I will not go to Law School even though my course is a pre-law course ( BA Sociology). Iiwan k na kay Margo ang pagiging lawyer sa pamilya.. hehe. Anak, ikaw ang magtatanggol saken ha? to my mga anak who are reading this post, nawalan na kyo ng papi. Wag kyong magalit sa kanya, mabait pa rin naman siya kahit papaano.

Anyway, I already got the subjects I want for the next semester. 4 of them were majors ( shit kakayanin k kya yon?) I have qualitative and quantitative research courses, 1 sociology elective ( sociology of deviance… heheh, this is for me..) and 1 GE film course ( film 10). I am still deciding if i will hve a full load ( 18 units) well it depends kung sinipag ako. It’s ok lng naman if i get 15 units lng coz tama pa naman ang units k pra makaabot sa paggraduate sa march 2006.

Now, what will I do dito sa bahay? My orgmates are planning to go to Puerto Galera and Pangasinan.. Ako, maybe i’ll stay here. Walang pera eh. Gastos lang ang lumabas. Magbababad lng ako sa internet solb na ako. kng la kyo magawa,

this is me… now

I’m sorry if i can’t start this blog with a happy thought… My first post would be about what I feel right now after the fight i had with my ex.

After more than a month of our break up, this was the only the time we actually TALKED. Flashback: she left me hanging for 2 weeks. she didn’t answer my phone calls, my text messages and my emails. Then she ended the relationship, again through email. The reason: i wouldn’t want to tell it anymore. Let’s just say we had different views on something.

Of course, anybody who would experience that would definitely be depressed. I was depressed for more than 2 weeks. I was crying every night and blaming myself for what I did. I had a very negative self concept because she was the one who built that for me. And because she left me, i was destroyed. Unfortunately, it was the time of my long exams and as a result, I failed my exams. I can’t think straight. My life was ruined. I was living in the past. I cried and cried and continued to love her even though she had flaws. I loved her not because of her flaws because of who she is.

Picking up the pieces after the break up was hard for me. I tried to sink the fact that we are no longer a couple. She admitted her singlehood first and then I followed. I never imagined that this would be the reason of our break up. She said that I should’ve looked for another person instead of doing what i did. In my case, i believed the reverse of that… I was honest to her all the time and so i have to say what i did. Up to now, i am still honest to her but she refuse to believe that i am telling the truth. Anyway, i have to forget ranting about this.. I have to move on.

During my depression times, I turned to God. I started going to mass every Sunday. I hoped and I prayed that this was just a stage, that she will eventually come back to me. But I suddenly thought that it would be too extreme to ask God for her to come back to me. I asked that we would be friends first and take things one at a time. God answered my prayers. While I was logged on to YM, she was logged on too. I was nervous of what to do because she might be a snob again. But she chatted with me first, thanking me for the application letter i have done for her. And then we chatted. We never mentioned about us, she blabbed about her crushes. At that moment, even though I was hurt because she was talking about her crushes, I still continued to chat her. AFter that moment, everytime we’re both online, we would chat.. again she would talk about her crushes.

Then one night, she suddenly called out of nowhere. She said she had nothing to do and that she wasn’t sleepy yet. So i entertained her. She woud again talk about her crushes, not being mindful of the pain i am feeling inside. I was laughing with her, but she never realized how hurt i was. I felt that she have really moved on, she totally forgot about me. I was happy that she was happy but then something inside is aching. I can’t control it. I have longed for her voice. I was happy to hear her voice once more. It was the voice of my ex girlfriend whom i still loved so much.

But i was pushed to the limits. One day, i received a text message again talking about her new crush. At that moment, i exploded. I told her that Im sorry for feeling jealous because i still love her. I am not yet over her. I am still trying to tell myself that she’s really gone and then suddenly she talks like that. I told myself that this has to stop.

I know that she was trying to be friendly to me, but acting like an insensitive maniac isn’t right. I want to be her friend but she wasn’t considerate of my feelings as a person. My impulses made me do a bad thing after that incident. then she tells me to get my own world because she already has her own world.. it’s so insensitive of her! i never believed that I am loving this kind of person. She’s gone evil. I kept on proving that I am the right one for her but she never gave me the chance to prove it to her. but instead, she refuses to talk about the issue.

I thought of so many things. She became like that maybe because she has a fallback. I wouldn’t want to think that way but the way she acts seems to me that she has already found someone better than me. The magic that she felt for me was already gone because of one situation. It made her close her mind and already judged me as a person. I wouldn’t like to believe that she has that kind of mentality but that’s what i see. She’s a very different person now.

I know you would definitely think that i am bitter. yes, i am bitter because of the fact that she left me. I am bitter because I loved someone with all my heart and all my mind then suddenly she treats me like trash. I don;t deserve this because I have been loyal and honest to her eversince. I swallowed my pride and all the pain i felt inside just to be her friend.

Shit, i really have to move on. She’s happy with her life now. But she has to remember, karma strikes back more than a 100 times…