I’m sorry if i can’t start this blog with a happy thought… My first post would be about what I feel right now after the fight i had with my ex.
After more than a month of our break up, this was the only the time we actually TALKED. Flashback: she left me hanging for 2 weeks. she didn’t answer my phone calls, my text messages and my emails. Then she ended the relationship, again through email. The reason: i wouldn’t want to tell it anymore. Let’s just say we had different views on something.
Of course, anybody who would experience that would definitely be depressed. I was depressed for more than 2 weeks. I was crying every night and blaming myself for what I did. I had a very negative self concept because she was the one who built that for me. And because she left me, i was destroyed. Unfortunately, it was the time of my long exams and as a result, I failed my exams. I can’t think straight. My life was ruined. I was living in the past. I cried and cried and continued to love her even though she had flaws. I loved her not because of her flaws because of who she is.
Picking up the pieces after the break up was hard for me. I tried to sink the fact that we are no longer a couple. She admitted her singlehood first and then I followed. I never imagined that this would be the reason of our break up. She said that I should’ve looked for another person instead of doing what i did. In my case, i believed the reverse of that… I was honest to her all the time and so i have to say what i did. Up to now, i am still honest to her but she refuse to believe that i am telling the truth. Anyway, i have to forget ranting about this.. I have to move on.
During my depression times, I turned to God. I started going to mass every Sunday. I hoped and I prayed that this was just a stage, that she will eventually come back to me. But I suddenly thought that it would be too extreme to ask God for her to come back to me. I asked that we would be friends first and take things one at a time. God answered my prayers. While I was logged on to YM, she was logged on too. I was nervous of what to do because she might be a snob again. But she chatted with me first, thanking me for the application letter i have done for her. And then we chatted. We never mentioned about us, she blabbed about her crushes. At that moment, even though I was hurt because she was talking about her crushes, I still continued to chat her. AFter that moment, everytime we’re both online, we would chat.. again she would talk about her crushes.
Then one night, she suddenly called out of nowhere. She said she had nothing to do and that she wasn’t sleepy yet. So i entertained her. She woud again talk about her crushes, not being mindful of the pain i am feeling inside. I was laughing with her, but she never realized how hurt i was. I felt that she have really moved on, she totally forgot about me. I was happy that she was happy but then something inside is aching. I can’t control it. I have longed for her voice. I was happy to hear her voice once more. It was the voice of my ex girlfriend whom i still loved so much.
But i was pushed to the limits. One day, i received a text message again talking about her new crush. At that moment, i exploded. I told her that Im sorry for feeling jealous because i still love her. I am not yet over her. I am still trying to tell myself that she’s really gone and then suddenly she talks like that. I told myself that this has to stop.
I know that she was trying to be friendly to me, but acting like an insensitive maniac isn’t right. I want to be her friend but she wasn’t considerate of my feelings as a person. My impulses made me do a bad thing after that incident. then she tells me to get my own world because she already has her own world.. it’s so insensitive of her! i never believed that I am loving this kind of person. She’s gone evil. I kept on proving that I am the right one for her but she never gave me the chance to prove it to her. but instead, she refuses to talk about the issue.
I thought of so many things. She became like that maybe because she has a fallback. I wouldn’t want to think that way but the way she acts seems to me that she has already found someone better than me. The magic that she felt for me was already gone because of one situation. It made her close her mind and already judged me as a person. I wouldn’t like to believe that she has that kind of mentality but that’s what i see. She’s a very different person now.
I know you would definitely think that i am bitter. yes, i am bitter because of the fact that she left me. I am bitter because I loved someone with all my heart and all my mind then suddenly she treats me like trash. I don;t deserve this because I have been loyal and honest to her eversince. I swallowed my pride and all the pain i felt inside just to be her friend.
Shit, i really have to move on. She’s happy with her life now. But she has to remember, karma strikes back more than a 100 times…