umaaraw umuulan. ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan.

Updates sa buhay ko:

FINALLY DONE WITH MY THESIS. i passed it nung apr 28 ata yon. i m done na. graduate na din. While finishing it, i was already starting to work na. So while i was on the production floor during idle time, i read and analyze the things abt my thesis. multi tasking ito. Pero i m done kaya kalimutan na ang masalimuot na paghihirap yan.

4 MOS NA AKO SA WORK. yup. 4 mos na ako sa work. sana magtagal pa ako ( meaning hindi ako mateterminate) dahil i really need the high compensation. this is what i use to pay the bills here sa bahay. kaya por dat, no aircon na muna. hehe. taglamig pa naman eh. So far i m doing ok sa work. sira lang ang attendance ko nung july, may isang day na absent, 6 mins late at 4 mins absent due to exceeded health break ( which by the way is not my fault). hopefully this august ok ang attendance ko so that i cld get a bonus. of course pati rin sana ang mga qa (quality assurance) may bonus din.

KAMI PARIN NI CATHY. yup. kami parin. our relationship is like a roller coaster. minsan happy. minsan masalimuot. pero mas marami ang happy. hindi naman siya ang problema eh. my mom. my family. not between us. yes, sometimes nag-aaway kami because of things na hindi namin pinagkakasunduan. believe me, we re 2 different people. try extrovert vs. introvert. para siyang nature vs. nurture debate. right at this moment. we re fighting. sometimes, because of this obvious difference in personalities naiisip kong maghiwalay na lang kami. that is one reason na magbreak.. kahit na divorce or annulment pwedeng rason yon eh. Now we ve decided na hindi muna mag-usap. we ve been fighting abt petty stuff for the past few days. Anyway, going back to the extrovert vs. introvert debate, yun nga. ganon kame. hindi kame magkasundo sa mga gustong gawin. but one has to give in. i give in because i don t want to see her face unsatisfied because of the things i like. call it martyr pero ganito ako. kung dati sarili ko lang naiisip ko, lahat ng gusto ko nasusunod. ngayon hinde. we always fight about that, actually kahit ngayon. na i do not say what i like. kapag sinabi niyang hindi niya gusto hindi ko na ipagpapatuloy kung anu man yon. i don t know. i believe that i m different from what i used to be when i was with det. if before i was the control freak, dominating girlfriend now i preferred to be the dominated. maybe got tired of bossing around. She tells me that i shouldn t be like that, contented of being bossed around.

Other than those internal problems we have external problems. actually, mas problema ko to. the usual problem of lesbians, coming out. i wanna come out to my mom but i m having a hard time because she is a homophobic. she just tolerates what she sees especially whenever i bring cathy around here sa bahay and when i bring some of my lesbian friends here. She s in denial na i am not engaging in a lesbian relationship. ang mahirap pa, she s christian. pangalawa, i m an only child and we re the only ones living in this world. she always nags me abt cathy and my “lesbian lifestyle”. i am hurt whenever she says bad things abt lesbians which are not true. i am too weak to defend my self and other fellow lesbians of whatever she says. alam mo yon, even though i bring home the bacon now she still controls me as if she owns me. masyadong negative ang tingin niya sa lesbians na baka tinetake advantage lang ako. na as if na iniimpluwensiyahan lang ako, ang hindi niya lang alam matagal na akong ganito. long before i met cathy and babaylan. grade school pa lang ganito na ako. parang napaka-concentrated sa social structure ng mga arguments niya na parang walang room for agency. na lahat ng bagay eh iniimpluwensiyahan lang at pati ako kaya nagkakaganito raw kasi iniimpluwensiyahan ako. well sorry to say i believe that i already have my own mind. she feels that cathy is a bad influence to me pero hinde. i really wanna get out of this house and be away from her. she s like that kasi kung ano ano na ang sinasabi ng mga kamag-anak namin about me. malamang disappointed sa akin. well i don t care about them. all i care about is my mom. pero dahil sa pagkakaiba din ng perspektibo hindi namin mareconcile ng nanay ko ang mga utak namin. napaka-tradisyonal niya at kumbensiyonal samantalang ako ay mas flexible. sa totoo lang ang hirap kasi sosyolohista ako at mas bukas ang pag-iisip. naiintindihan ko siya sa kanyang mga karanasan sa buhay kaya ganon siya mag-isip. pero iba ang buhay ko sa kanya. How i wish i was brave na kaya kong sabihin sa kanya na, ma, lesbiana ako and i am hurt about what u say about lesbians. it s not true. I am planning to get out of this house, i told her na i am going to get an apartment near my work. syempre hindi siya pumayag. pero i still do that just to get away from the nagging and all. hindi ako nagpaalam sa kanya, nagsasabi lang ako. i ll still go home here during my day offs. and maybe then i can come out to her. I feel na i am not yet ready because i haven t proved something to her.

WRAPPING UP. i couldn t say that we have the perfect relationship. beyond the past issues left unresolved, explicably different personalities we still continue to be together. i love her. i love her so much. is this the thing u call “u and me against the world”? nahh. i don t want to think that this will be forever because there s no such thing as forever. great expectations only result to more pain. I am happy with her amidst all the things that hinder us to be happy. She brings out the best in me. I feel a sense of security whenever i m with her. We learn new things from each other, i think that s the best thing about us.

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